Narcissistic Hypersexuality– Healing from Betrayal Trauma
With Wendy T. Behary
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Wendy is a go to expert when it comes to working with narcissists and those who live with or love them. In this interview we discuss narcissism, a narcissists relationship to their own trauma and the trauma they cause, narcissistic hypersexuality and its impact on the spouse, especially when betrayal trauma occurs. Wendy also talks about how to navigate the tender family dynamics when children are involved and potentially impacted.
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About Wendy T. Behary
Wendy Behary is the founder and director of The Cognitive Therapy Center of New Jersey and The Schema Therapy Institutes of NJ-NYC-DC. She has been treating clients, training professionals and supervising psychotherapists for 25+ years. Wendy has a specialty in treating narcissists and the people who live with and deal with them. She receives consistent high praise for her clear and articulate teaching style and her ability to bring the therapy to life through dramatic demonstrations of client interactions in the treatment room. She is the author of an international bestselling book, “Disarming the Narcissist…” (New Harbinger, 2nd edition) translated in 12 languages.
Leave a comment below to enter a drawing to win a signed copy of Wendy’s best selling book, “Disarming the Narcissist”.
Wendy,
Thank you so much for this very insightful talk. This is the first time that I have heard such an accurate account, dicription? of the extremely complicated and confusing relationship with an intimate partner who is a narcissist.
I am very interested in hearing more about the healing for the partner of a narcissist.
The timing for this series is right on track for me. I have taught hatha yoga for 20+ years and worked with survivors of intimate partner violence. Although I live in NYC I have just begun training with the Center for Trauma and Embodiment in Boston to be certified as a TCTSY therapist.
I’d like your thoughts on the usefulness of trauma sentive yoga in healing both the narcissist and the survivor/partner/child.
With Appreciation,
Thank you, Elizabeth…
Best wishes with your certification and the work you do.
I have found mindful practices (like hatha yoga) can be so valuable, alongside schema therapy, for identifying activating conditions, triggers, and the residence of those schemas in the body/mind. It can also serve to help with regulating impulses and allowing for adaptive responses to replace self-defeating ones. Thank you for taking the time to share your kind feedback… Wendy
This was so perfectly timed for my current situation. I was married for 22 years to a narcissist divorced for 11 years and 4 years ago remarried him. Trauma bonding for sure. At this time I am leaving for my life and sanity a second time. To forgive myself for reentering such a toxic relationship is very near impossible.
The gas lighting and stonewalling has made it easier for my resolve. To understand the deep physiological abuse from being in a relationship with this type of person is almost impossible for most people to understand. It is a very destructive existence. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and knowledge about this mind twisting and abusive personality trait. God help us all.
This hits home as ive grew up with narcissists. And not just parents, but siblings as well. I was youngest. Im pushing 60 now & vowed about 11 or 12 to never marry or have kids as i thought what i experienced was what would arise. Being wiht my parents was like not being seem—their rule was children should be seen & not heard… good was not good enough, bad meant upsetting someone (parent, sibling). It was never safe. And if harmed i had to prove it (if a sibling—if by dad, mom denied it…) if outside of the home no one wanted to hear about it. No one stood up to dad, and even right before he died, barely able to breathe, dad told me he was sorry but he got away with it his whole life… which he only said to me, i believe, because within a few months of his death i reacted to his abuse yelling “You will not speak to me like that!” My mom never did. The most messed up sibling tried but it was too early & in the wrong way. I feel only by joining a. Religion was i able to battle my own such tendencies as everyone else in the family, tho that group wound up being as abusive as my family after a while. Because of my determination, tho, i was able to empathize with and therefore let go of my dad’s abuse and forgive him by the time he died. It didnt erase the damage but (being well trained!) i take that as my own, my challenge now. Then the narc siblings attacked. Now i have no family. I think i lost the first part—too long a comment? No i have the work of healing to do in the last ¼ or ⅓ of my life… Its so helpful to hear about narcs & with empathy here, which is rare. They were damaged somehow! Thanks so much for this interview!
Thank you for sharing your story and your thoughtful comments, Elisabeth.
Wishing you the very best… Wendy
So fantastic. I got So many answers for me and my relationship . Thank you so much, both
I am so glad to know, Susanne!
Thank you… With my best wishes, Wendy
Dear Susanne, I am so glad that this was so helpful to you and will serve you on your journey. You are so welcome!
Thank you – I appreciated what you said and feel Like I am finally on the right track to healing. Your work is critical – thank you so much!!
Good for you, MaryKatheryn!
Thank you for letting me know…
Wishing you the best,
Wendy
Yes yes yes! This is such critical work, and way too many women (and men) feel alone on this journey. I am so glad that we were able to have Wendy on this show. Such important education.
Wow, I’m speechless. Thank you, for your time, for your insight. So many takeaways. Thank you
Thank you, Ally…
I really appreciate your comments. So happy to know this was helpful to you.
With my best wishes,
Wendy
Exactly! I felt like that too, and since I was the one interviewing, wasn’t making notes, haha! I had to watch it back again to “listen” to all her wisdom again! So glad you received many takeaways.
I am about to enter the divorce process with my narcissist of 30 years. I had not heard of attorneys that specialize in dealing with a narcissistic personality. How do you find attorneys that specialize in that field?
Hi Jackie,
There are lawyers who actually state this on their websites.
Just type “Divorce Attorneys who Specialize in Narcissism” into your browser.
Please feel free to email me with your location, and I can see if I have anyone to recommend in your area.
With my best wishes…
Wendy
Hi Jackie, thank you for your comment and question. Please feel free to contact Wendy, like she mentions in her comment. Wishing you strength and courage as you navigate the next steps of your journey. Much love to you.
Wow! I am learning so much and have so much more to learn! Dealing with trauma is difficult- I guess the first step is recognizing it to begin the healing process. Thanks you!
So happy to hear that this was helpful to you, Ellen.
Thank you for taking the time to share your message.
Yes, first step to healing is to recognize the trauma and embrace your vulnerable self with patience and compassion.
Warmest Wishes,
Wendy
Hi Ellen! Yes, so well said. It is a journey. My goal has always been to stay on the journey, and with self-love and compassion, let the healing process do it’s “thing”! It works!! 🙂
Such a wise balanced gentle yet fierce and clear sharing.
Thank you both.
An other benefit was Wendy’s calm voice soothed My nervous system.
💞🌸🌿
Oh Tina!!! Thank you so much for your comment. I feel the same way. Not only does Wendy share such incredible wisdom, her calm voice and demeanor are so soothing and affirming.
Thank You so much, Tina and Richa!
So appreciative of your kind feedback, and knowing this has been helpful…
Warmest Wishes,
Wendy
Dear Wendy, dear Richa,
wow. This was so insightful. This work iss so important. Thank you so much.
Thank You, Angelika!
I really appreciate you for taking the time to let us know this was helpful to you.
Wishing you the very best!
Wendy
Dear Wendy,
I am so grateful. Your interview with Richa was truly God Sent. I have been married for 30 years to an oversexed narcissist man for 30 years. He has currently left the home and living with another woman who he says makes him feel good. My prayer is to help him heal so we can restore this marriage. Would you be able to help him? We live in middle Georgia. Would it
possible for you to counsel him over Zoom or could you recommend someone in our area?
Would you be willing to help us? The last sixteen years has been the worst for our entire family.
Thank you for any feedback.
Thank you! This
Dear Katherine,
Thank you for your thoughtful message. I am so very sorry for all of the emotional distress you are dealing with.
Please feel free to email me and we can discuss options for healing…
wendy.behary@gmail.com
With my best,
Wendy
Wendy,
It seemed as if you were speaking directly to me. It was eerie how you seemed to have had a window into my life. I have been married to an oversexed narcissist for 29 years who triggered PTSD for me last year. I have issues of trust/feeling safe with him around as I suffer panic attacks in his presence and he just looks at me and asks what’s my problem. I’m really struggling with what my future holds, but I am encouraged so much by this session. Thank you so much for making me feel like I’m ok and not crazy like he tells me I am.
Hi Jen, you are not crazy, absolutely not. Have you read Wendy’s book, Disarming the Narcissist?
Dear Wendy I can’t thank you enough for sharing this information. Sad to say it took me years til my hypersexual narcissistic husband’s real character came out – and I found out by pure accident. In a relationship with him for 8 years, and then married for three years when my accidental discovery and then trauma started. I couldn’t believe I had not seen the real person until then. Subsequently, happy to say, I became strong enough after two years of giving him chances, getting him psychological help (well, that’s what I thought he was doing – he was attending but not doing any of the practical exercises etc, only going because that was pretty much his last chance as far as I was concerned). Sad to say I went into a downward spiral when everything I tried didn’t change a thing, then when I said enough was enough, he started telling me he was going to commit suicide…..called me when I went out with my friends and said he was going to kill himself (again). This time I took my GP’s advise and called the police. Eventually we moved together to another place and I thought we were going to restart our lives/marriage. But nup, it got worse. I found out he was still betraying me, having sex with prostitutes, meeting woman from online chat groups and I eventually found the phone number of one and she told me he said he truly loved his wife, that his wife was gorgeous, but apparently told this woman he just wanted to have sex with other women. I didn’t believe it at the time….turns out it must have been truly what he said. We had a good sexual relationship, so that was hard to understand. I trusted him with my life…having left my marriage of 25 years for this “charming” man! Well, well….I was deeply shocked that it took me so long to find out what was really inside him. I couldn’t believe what I exposed – all by accident. He had no empathy, no comfort for me when my mother passed away……..and I’m sure you know too well what these men are like. That was also a shock to me because I thought this charming man was not like that. Funny you also mentioned these narcissists also volunteer to help in various areas – he did and was well liked! Anyway, I’m still I think in the process of healing the very deep seated hurt and pain, although I have a special man in my life now in the last 5 years. I only found your video because my neighbour is a trauma psychologist here in Australia and she was reading an article of yours when I saw her yesterday and we started talking….and well, thank heavens for that – you have been so helpful to listen to. All the things he did over the years that we were actually “married” (only 3) before I found out caused great pain to realise that there were a couple of little strange episodes on his mobile that had me worried some years before but he flatly denied anything and said it was people at his work out to ruin his life! I believed him at that time!